Episode 302: Words Matter: How Language Shapes Your Equestrian Experience

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Episode 302.mp3: this mp3 audio file was automatically transcribed by Sonix with the best speech-to-text algorithms. This transcript may contain errors.

Speaker1:
Let's just call it a failure in that moment, because that's probably the word that's bringing up that pain, that inability or that lack. But remember, when you're in a lesson, you're there to learn. It is normal to have that lack.

Speaker2:
Of podcasting from a little cabin on a hill. This is the Stacy Westfall podcast. Stacy's goal is simple to teach you to understand why horses do what they do, as well as the action steps for creating clear, confident communication with your horses.

Speaker1:
Hi, I'm Stacy Westfall and I'm here to help you understand, enjoy and successfully train your own horses. In this episode, I'd like to share my recent experiences with buying horses and selling horses, and some of the decisions and emotions that I've noticed while going through it. But first, right here at the beginning of the podcast, I'd like to give you something that you can watch for in yourself and in others so that you can begin to notice how it impacts the way that you show up with your horse. And this ties together with my experience of buying and selling, because of it being emotions and words that we say. So let's start out with emotions that we practice. And the first two examples that I want you to think about are actually 100% human to human examples. So the first example I want to share with you is that back in 2020, a friend and I did a small group workshop here, and we were out in my barn. There was a round pen set up. We had chairs, and in the five minutes before the official start, as the group of us were finding our chairs and sitting down in that five minutes before the official start as everyone was gathering. I noticed. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry. I noticed this word over and over and over again. So much so that I actually interrupted this general milling around as we were getting into the seats to begin and said, hold on just a minute.

Speaker1:
Has anybody noticed how many times we've been saying sorry? I'm sorry. We need to talk about this right now before we even get started. I also noticed this routinely when I go to the grocery store. So I will notice that when I'm walking through the grocery store, I'll come around the end of an aisle and there may be somebody standing there, or maybe they come around the end of the aisle and I'm standing there, and it amazes me how frequently the person that I meet says, I'm sorry. So here's my question is. I'm sorry, a default phrase that you use. I googled it just to double check. And Google does confirm that the phrase I'm sorry usually indicates that people feel regret or remorse for having caused someone pain. They wish they hadn't done what they did or had done what they didn't do. So in both examples, I gave a small group of people getting ready to sit down in chairs or people in the grocery store, walking past each other with shopping carts. Neither one of these situations really seems to have caused someone pain. In both of these examples, I'm not confident that the phrase I'm sorry was actually appropriate. So how do you decide when the phrase I'm sorry is kind of a default thing that you're just saying or when it's really appropriate. One of the reasons I'm bringing this up at the beginning of the podcast here is because I actually hear this phrase frequently when I'm coaching people.

Speaker1:
Sometimes that's through zoom, sometimes it's here, live in person. Very frequently I will hear people while they are writing, say, I'm sorry over and over again. Sometimes it's said to me as the coach, sometimes it is said to the horse, and sometimes it is said to other riders. In places where I have permission to be the coach, I will often ask these students what they are sorry for. And it's pretty eye opening. If you slow your thinking down and actually realize what you're apologizing for. And very frequently they will say that they are apologizing because they didn't follow the instructions correctly. They didn't, quote unquote get it right. Or they might say that they felt sorry because their timing was off. And that's why the horse didn't do whatever they were asking them to do. Or maybe they say they're sorry because another rider in the arena has to adjust their line of travel. What's interesting to me is that if you do slow down and you actually finish the sentence I'm sorry for, it becomes much more revealing as to whether or not I'm sorry is really, truly what you're feeling in that moment. So, for example, if you're taking a lesson, you are literally paying somebody to teach you a skill that you don't already know. So you are learning, making mistakes, or quote unquote, not getting it right when you're taking a lesson would be a normal part of the process.

Speaker1:
And if we go back to the idea that I'm sorry usually indicates that people feel regret or remorse for having caused someone pain, does that truly fit? There was no pain caused in not following the instructions perfectly, except there probably was a version of pain experienced by the rider. For that. Let's just call it a failure in that moment, because that's probably the word that's bringing up that pain, that inability, or that lack. But remember, when you're in a lesson, you're there to learn. It is normal to have that lack. And the same thing goes for the inaccurate timing. When people feel like they should apologize to their horse. And you've heard if you've been listening to the podcast, that I actually think that making mistakes where, for example, if I'm lunging the horse and I'm tossing the stick and string and it accidentally touches my horse in different spots. Horses can be very forgiving, so even touching the horse accidentally with a tool like a stick and string or a lunge whip doesn't have to be a cause of pain. A lot of times it's simply just an accidental touch. So when you are thinking about inaccurate timing, I would highly encourage you to not just say that was inaccurate timing, but to actually rate it maybe on a scale of 1 to 10. So it was inaccurate timing, but you really weren't asking that hard.

Speaker1:
It was just this minor inconvenience that the horse didn't do the transition exactly where you wanted it to. So even if you have an accurate timing or you know in hindsight that you could have supported the horse better through a transition, for example, if there was no pain caused, would your favorite phrasing be I'm sorry. And now let's consider if you're riding in the arena with a lot of other people and you have the urge to say, I'm sorry if someone else had to adjust their line of travel while you were riding. This happens all the time in my arena and at shows. So the question becomes, is it truly a problem or truly an issue when someone has to adjust their line of travel? There are different riding etiquette as you go to different arenas here in my arena. There are a couple different sets of rules depending on what's going on. If a greener horse, a horse with less experience is being ridden, then that horse is typically under a little less control, not as refined. That horse has the right of way. There are other times that when a group of us is out there riding, maybe somebody who's doing the bigger, more intense movement. So let's say running and stopping, that's the person that has the right of way. And so maybe somebody circling on a horse would alter their circle slightly to allow the person that's running down to do the sliding stop that we do in reining.

Speaker1:
Oftentimes, I'll be out riding when my husband Jesse, is giving lessons, and if I'm out there riding a horse and there's somebody out there paying to take a lesson, they automatically have the right of way. So even though I might be the one that could be doing the bigger maneuvers, say, running and stopping because they are here and they have paid to take a lesson, I'm going to stay out of their way. All of these situations are places that we don't have to say we're sorry, because there are clear rules around what we're doing, and this idea of being in the arena together and taking up space and understanding how to interact. It's great practice for shows where there's likely going to be 20 plus horses in the warm up arena. It's also a great practice for looking up and for sure all of these areas the workshop, the grocery store, the riding with other people, all of these areas really are ripe for you to understand how you show up in these places, and whether you have this tendency to want to apologize or say you're sorry when you actually haven't caused someone pain. In all three of these situations, the workshop, the grocery store sharing riding arena space with other riders, if you begin to notice in life that there are certain phrases that you say, it would be a great time to actually connect with what that phrase represents or means and what emotion Motion comes with it because again, if I'm sorry usually indicates that people feel regret or remorse for having caused someone else pain, but you get in the habit of saying you're sorry when you weren't causing someone else pain.

Speaker1:
You will likely have an interesting relationship with the words I'm sorry, and your experience of believing that you caused someone else pain. When I'm in the grocery store and multiple people at different times keep saying they're sorry, I'm often very curious. What are you sorry for? Are you sorry for being in the grocery store at the same time? Are you sorry for coming around the corner? Nothing happened. And just for fun to push on this example, if you go to the grocery store and you notice that you are a person that says you're sorry frequently while you're walking through the grocery store, it would be interesting to pay attention to what distance did not trigger you. Where do you draw the line of when you say you're sorry? Because I'm guessing that maybe if you pass by people at a certain distance, you don't say it. Where is that line and what is that trigger for you? Because the better you get to know yourself and you understand why you're saying that phrase, and where that line is, where you don't feel the need to and where you do feel the need to.

Speaker1:
This is going to be very helpful to you when you're with your horse, because it is challenging to be in situations with your horse. If you have that feeling going on where you feel sorry while you're taking a lesson, if you feel sorry while you're sharing arena space, and if you feel sorry as you are working with your horse. If you find that this is a default for you, I would highly suggest that you finish the sentence. What are you sorry for. And that you become better and better at deciding where that line is. Because again, the overuse of saying I'm sorry, which traditionally means that you feel regret or remorse for having caused someone pain. If you're using that when you're not causing pain, it will begin to impact the way you think. And I got thinking about these emotions that are almost misplaced because I recently sold another horse and I bought a new horse. So pause for just a moment and imagine selling a horse that you've owned for ten years. What's the first emotion that you imagine you would feel? Okay, now imagine you're buying a horse. What's the first emotion you imagine that you would feel when buying a horse. I hope you actually tried to answer those questions. And if you did, here's one more. Where did you go to find that emotion? Was there a phrase that popped into your mind that then triggered the emotion, or did the emotion come up at the thought of selling or buying a horse? As I was going through both of these transitions, I was very aware that certain emotions could be present, and that is a different experience than actually just having the emotion.

Speaker1:
So very like walking through the grocery store, understanding the concept of why people saying they're sorry, even if I don't agree with it, that would be an example of seeing or being aware of certain emotions that are going on around me. When I was going through the transition of both selling a horse and buying a horse. Some of the emotions I noticed coming up were guilt, regret, sadness, and excitement. And just like earlier when I said, If I'm coaching somebody and they say I'm sorry over and over again, I will actually pause and ask them to explain what they're sorry for. I actually did the same thing to myself. So just like I'm sorry needs to be a complete sentence. I'm sorry for running into you with my grocery cart. Just like I'm sorry needs to be a full sentence in my world. The idea of experiencing emotions around, in this case, selling a horse. It really helped me realize why certain feelings were there when I started making these complete sentences. So let's look at the feeling of regret. Thankfully, when I was in college I bought a t shirt that said nothing is more painful than regret. As soon as I saw the t shirt, I loved it.

Speaker1:
I bought it, and I wore it, and it was a great reminder for me to really look closely at what regret was. I find that often people avoid change for fear of regret, and since I just bought a horse and sold a horse back to back, it was interesting for me to reflect on which one was more likely to bring up regret. Which one is it for you? If you consider selling your horse, do you feel regret at the idea of selling or if you're buying a horse? Would you be more likely to feel that possibility of regret while you're buying a horse. Maybe it would be helpful to review. What is regret? Google says regret is the emotion of wishing one had made a different decision in the past, because the consequences of the decision one did make were unfavorable. Regret is related to perceived opportunity. Google also added that the reason why regret feels so awful is because, by its nature, it implies that there's something you could have done, some choice you could have made, or some action you might have taken that would have made something good happen or avoided something terrible. Thanks to the t shirt that I had in college, I have come to the conclusion that regret is a choice I can't make perfect choices. I can't see the future, so I can't make a decision that guarantees good things will happen, or guarantees that terrible things won't happen.

Speaker1:
The best I can do is take the information I have and make decisions with what is available, and also recognize that a year from now, I will have more information and I may be able to see different paths moving forward, but that doesn't mean that I didn't do my best right now. So when I was going through the process of selling Willow, I was looking quite logically at things like her options. So what are the options I see on the table for Willow with me or with someone else? I was looking at my options, the things I could envision myself doing with Willow, and I was looking for an intersection between these options, things that I see for her, things that I see for me, and what kept coming up for me when I looked at this relationship with Willow, is that the relationship with Willow feels complete. Have you ever had that experience when a relationship feels complete? I would describe it as having an old friend. Maybe it was a friend from high school or college. It's like having an old friend that you're no longer in touch with regularly, but maybe you talk to them once or twice a year, and when you reconnect with them, it's really fun. And yet you realize that at one time, at least in the relationships that I'm picturing in my past, I was very close friends, maybe talking to these people every single day.

Speaker1:
So at some point, that relationship shifted from a person that I talked to every single day. That was a huge part of my life to a person that I touch base with once or twice a year, and when I'm with them right now, it doesn't feel weird that I'm not with them all the time. At some point, that relationship of being with them very frequently became complete, and even if I didn't see it in the moment, does it make sense now, as I'm describing it, that if you look back, there are relationships that when you meet up with the people, you're excited to see them? And yet that version of your friendship when you were intensely close, maybe, like in my case, one of the friends I'm picturing, we were raising our kids together, and now we only see each other maybe once a year. And I love spending time with her. But that relationship in its other form is complete. And that is what Willow's relationship with me feels like. One thing that's a little bit different with horses is that because the horses are dependent on their caretakers. I do think there's another thread, but so much of this is similar, and this was helpful to me, because what it brought up for me is that I realized that when selling, I could feel a little thread of guilt. Like somehow the horse that I'm selling in this case, Willow or Presto, that somehow that horse was going to be disappointed.

Speaker1:
Can you hear how that would happen in a human relationship? How maybe your relationship changes because you graduate from high school and you go different directions, or whatever happens in the life circumstances where your friendship is no longer an everyday close relationship, and it makes that transition and that section becomes complete. Can you see where there could be that thread of guilt for that change? And so it's interesting that I noticed that I almost felt like I was somehow disappointing Willow or disappointing Presto. What's even more interesting is that I don't actually believe that. So just because my mind offers it to me, I believe that the people that bought my horses are amazing people. I'm getting texts from them where they're hand grazing and they're doing other things. And I also know that I ask a lot of my horses. They work hard. I think it's fair, but I also know it's hard. And so I also know that they are going to homes where odds are they're going to love the level of work that's asked of them. And so then I realized as I'm going through this, that when I choose to believe that other people can provide an awesome home, and when I choose to believe, I'm going to phrase it this way, that someone else could give them an easier or a softer place. There's a little thread of guilt.

Speaker1:
I do ask a lot. And then I have to recenter myself and say, okay, wait a minute. Another home can be amazing for these horses, and it doesn't mean that I was a bad home. These are not mutually exclusive. It's not either I was a good home and I should keep them forever. Or I was a bad home. It's not like that. But all of these things are flitting through my mind, and every one of them that pops in and out triggers an emotion. So it makes sense to me that I might feel guilty or vulnerable or worried. Worried about what you'll think when you hear me talking about selling my horse. Worried about what I will think. Worried about what the horses will think. And even though I don't even agree with all of these thoughts, when I slow down, I can still feel that these emotions get added to the mix. So when I started noticing this mix of emotions and this tangled up kind of a feeling, I did exactly what I suggested for you in the beginning. If you notice you're saying I'm sorry, finish the sentence, what are you sorry for? And then decide whether being sorry for being within ten feet of somebody in a grocery store is what you choose, or where that line is. So for me, if I started to notice that I felt guilty, it wasn't good enough to say I feel guilty.

Speaker1:
What do I feel guilty for? And do I believe it? So I don't necessarily have to believe everything that comes into my mind, or every emotion that runs into my body. It's worth slowing it down if it starts to feel like a lot inside of this. I also really recognize that it's possible for my brain to see lots of different paths as options. I could keep Willow and I could breed her. I could keep Willow and I could use her for a lesson horse. I could sell Willow to somebody who wanted to do x, y, z. With her, I could sell Willow to somebody else. I could donate Willow over here. All of these different paths are options. All these other paths are perceived opportunities. And my brain sometimes wants to believe that I can see into the future and somehow fully control things. And this is when it's important to remember this phrase about regret. The reason why regret feels so awful is because by its nature, it implies that there's something you could have done, some choice you could have made, or some action you might have taken that would have made something good happen or avoided something terrible. And then I breathe because I realize I'm just trying to avoid something terrible, and that something terrible could be a situation my brain manufactures for my horses. One of the things I think I was avoiding, but it didn't really become clear to me until I was in the middle of it, was the terrible feeling of being caught off guard by strong emotions.

Speaker1:
I've talked on other episodes of the podcast about allowing emotions to be there and working with your emotions, but there are times that for sure I want to avoid certain emotions like sadness. And my favorite way to try to avoid emotions is to become very logical. So what that means for me is that oftentimes I want to research. I want to think about it. I want to do all of the things that would be very logical and would make sense on paper. And then I want to forget that there's an emotional side to all of this, because maybe if I pretend there's not an emotional side to all of it, then maybe I won't be caught off guard with emotions. So it really struck me after I had sold Presto, he was in that. I call it the bubble wrap phase between selling or buying horses. The bubble wrap phase is when somebody says that they want the horse and they pay you for the horse, but you still have possession of the horse. For me, I call that the bubble wrap phase, and it goes both ways. It goes when I'm selling a horse, it feels like a bubble wrap phase. And when I'm buying a horse, it feels like a bubble wrap phase. It feels like please let nothing happen. Unexpected in this 4 or 5 day period, while money and papers and things transfer hands.

Speaker1:
So while Presto was in that bubble wrap phase, I actually had him turned out. And when the new owner was coming to get him the night before, I thought very logically, I'm going to take him out and ride him around. And I saddled him and I mounted up, and as soon as I did, I just started crying and it turned into 20 minutes of crying, not being able to see the walls while riding around on him, realizing it would be the last time I rode him. And that doesn't mean that I've done something wrong. The emotion of feeling sadness just means I care. They're not mutually exclusive. It's not either I care about him, so I keep him or I don't care. So I sell him. I can care deeply and find him a new home. I asked you earlier in the podcast a strange question. I said, would you feel regret selling a horse, or would you be more likely to feel regret while buying a horse? My answer as I've gone through this process surprised me. I felt the possibility of regret stronger while buying a horse than I did while selling a horse. So remember, the definition of regret is that it is the emotion of wishing one had made a different decision in the past, because the consequences of the decision one did make were unfavorable, and regret is related to perceived opportunity.

Speaker1:
So I actually noticed more of a tendency to be cautious in the buying process, because I could feel that desire for something I could have done the choice I could have made, the action I could have taken that would make something good or avoid something terrible. I could feel that pull much stronger during the buying process than I did during the selling process. But despite all of that, I did buy a new horse. In the future, you will get to know more about Luna. She's a four year old quarter horse, and I will post a video on my website and social media so that you can meet her there. It was very funny. I took her out and ponied her on the trail, and it was pretty funny to see her crossing water for the first time and being in the woods for the first time, and she was doing some pretty funny things, so you'll have to go watch the video. I definitely noticed that the emotions while looking at horses to buy is where I felt more cautious. And again, it's because it's tied to that idea that I want to believe that I could do something that will guarantee good things will happen and guarantee bad things won't. But I really don't believe that I've actually said out loud, I could buy this horse and something bad could happen tomorrow. I still do everything in my power. Some of the things that I did while looking at Luna involved looking at her multiple times.

Speaker1:
It involved doing a pre-purchase exam. It involved getting other people's opinions, and even during all of that, I still had to recognize that I could do everything in my power and still something could happen. Call it could happen. A trailer accident, it could happen. There's endless possibilities for how this could end poorly. So I made an educated decision. But it's also interesting that I'm not aiming for a perfect decision. For example, when I went to look at her, she's a four year old that was ridden for a few months early in her two year old year, and when I went to look at her, she was standing in the pasture and she was sore. She hadn't been ridden for over a year, so it was most likely based on what I was seeing, that it was because of the hard ground and the pasture and not having shoes on. But I couldn't guarantee that. And yet I still kept looking. And then I had x rays done. And her x rays aren't clean, even though she's a four year old that has just a few months of training a few years ago, her x rays are not clean. And yet I was still interested and when I was looking at her, the owner offered that I could bring her to my house to evaluate her in my sand footing in my arena because of the foot soreness.

Speaker1:
So I did bring her home, and I had her for about ten days, during which she bucked every single day that I put the saddle on, which is not a great habit pattern to come with. And yet I'm still interested. I'm not aiming for perfect. I'm aiming for an educated decision. So despite all of these things, I still saw enough things that I liked that made the decision to buy her a risk worth taking. I'm sure you'll hear more about her in the future. Every time I work with her, I have so many ideas and I'm in for all of it. The ups, the downs, all the emotions and all the learning in between. I actually forgot how much I love this stage of training horses. I have Ember, who is just now under saddle, and I have Luna, who is bucking under saddle. So I go to bed excited about getting up and going out and doing another round of training with these horses. And although I've chosen this path, and I feel really drawn to the barn and excited to get to know Luna and to continue on the journey with Ember, and I'm hopeful about their futures. I still feel a little nervous at times too. That's what I have for you this week. Remember full sentences. Slow down. Understand why you're saying the certain phrases that you're saying. Understand why you're having those certain feelings that you're feeling. It's work worth doing. Thanks for listening and I'll talk to you again in the next episode.

Speaker2:
If you enjoy listening to Stacy's podcast, please visit Stacy Westfall. Com for articles, videos and tips to help you and your horse succeed.

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