Episode 214: Reviewing…without a self doubt spiral.

Episode 214_ Reviewing…without a self-doubt spiral..mp3: Audio automatically transcribed by Sonix

Episode 214_ Reviewing…without a self-doubt spiral..mp3: this mp3 audio file was automatically transcribed by Sonix with the best speech-to-text algorithms. This transcript may contain errors.

Stacy Westfall:
And then standing by the fact that you made that decision, not defensively standing by it, but compassionately standing by, understanding why you made that decision in the moment, even if 24 hours later you have a different level of awareness and you would make a different choice in that same situation going forward.

Announcer:
Podcasting from a little cabin on a hill. This is the Stacy Westfall podcast. Stacy's goal is simple: to teach you to understand why horses do what they do, as well as the action steps for creating clear, confident communication with your horses.

Stacy Westfall:
Hi, I'm Stacy Westfall, and I help riders understand why they're making the choices they are so they can see their own habits and how those habits are impacting their time with their horses. When I was prepping for this podcast, I did my favorite thing, which is get everything all ready for the podcast and then put it down and go out to the barn and ride. And while I was out there riding, I've been listening to a lot of Christmas music, but my Spirit soundtrack from the movie popped on. And the phrase, If you lose yourself, your courage soon will follow, really stood out to me because of today's topic. In last week's podcast, I mentioned high-value and low-value cycles of thinking. And today I want to talk about breaking or preventing low-value cycles, because the more time I spend thinking about low-value cycles, I really think it's where a lot of self-doubt that riders experience happens. I think it begins with something that seems kind of innocent, like a disappointment, and then it spirals. And if you're not careful, that spiral will suck you into a lot of self-doubt. And there are ways that you can interrupt that cycle and practice having your own back. This is on my mind because inside my program, the Resourceful Rider, I've been teaching how success is created. We did an entire week dedicated to how you have created your past successes, and students did that exercise by reverse engineering and looking at successes that they have had and how they were created. And now we are focused on reviewing past goals, specifically things that were done or maybe not done in 2022. And all of this work is being done to prep for goal setting and intention setting for 2023. And one of the students was sharing and said this sentence: Studying horsemanship seems to trigger waves of emotions. And it was such a perfect description because my brain went off into high-value and low-value cycles and how you could view those as riding the waves up and down. Because the emotions that we do experience going through life, at least this is my experience, do have these ups and these downs. And when I think about it in this riding the waves idea, I think about somebody surfing and going up and down and crashing and getting up and being tumbled by the waves and going back and trying again. And a low-value cycle would be crashing and then not getting up or getting up really slowly and letting yourself sink and eventually maybe going through enough of these cycles that you end up on the shore. And so when I think about this idea that studying horsemanship seems to trigger waves of emotions, it basically just puts me into like, of course it's the human experience, but we're experiencing the highs and lows through the adventure of horses.

Stacy Westfall:
But that low cycle is what I want to focus on today, because that low cycle can feel like you're being pulled down and down and down. And what I want to talk about specifically in today's examples are the times when you are the one pulling yourself down and down, not the ocean pulling down on you. That's going to be there. The ocean is there in the waves. Whether you're in the high-value cycle or the low-value cycle. But the extra pulling down is going to be you doing that to you. So let me give you an example. We've been doing, as I mentioned, the reviewing of 2023. Goals are so much like any other spot in horse training. They have a beginning, a middle, and an end. You've heard me talk about riding maneuvers with horses, and a maneuver will have a beginning, a middle, and an end. A goal has a beginning, a middle, and an end. And if you set a goal that you're going to measure with an endpoint of the end of the year, like many of mine do, then you will find yourself in December of any given year at the end of a goal cycle. And how you treat yourself and each of these steps and today we're focused on the end step is actually going to determine how willing you are to step into another cycle. So when you are reviewing at an endpoint, and for me, that is the end of the year in this example, although I have lots of endpoints throughout the year, but the major endpoint is going to be the end of the year. What you've been practicing all year long for beginning, middle, and end of smaller goals is now going to cumulate into one giant ending where I'm going to declare mine done or not done. I'm going to declare mine successful or failures, because to me that's just another word for done or not done. So when you look at the definition of failure, you could almost just replace it with incomplete because failure is the omission of occurrences or performance, not meeting a desired or intended objective. It's basically incomplete. And so it's a failure by incomplete. So when I'm at the end of the year or at the end of any goal cycle, the beauty of wrapping everything up for me at the end of the full year or those little points along the way, the beauty of actually declaring it one way or the other is I then get to choose whether I want to continue. I get to measure where it stands. Decide what's working, what's not working. And also decide if I want to continue on. So I because of the way that I view it, I find that the ending of the goal, whether I completed it or not, can still be a high-value cycle because of the way that I think about it. However, if the word failure or incomplete makes you cringe, you're going to be much less likely to set goals that have deadlines because it's going to seem like a very bad idea.

Stacy Westfall:
So before we dive into noticing your low-value cycles and goals, the first thing that I want to remind you of is why it's important to understand the relationship that you have with the word failure or not completing a goal, however you're going to phrase it. I like to use the word failure because I think it's the one that's the most triggering to most people. And I actually want to trigger that in myself and address it until it's no longer a trigger for me anymore. So one of the biggest reasons to develop a relationship with something like failure is because when I'm coaching students and I want them to look at what is going on when they're riding their horse, it is very hard for them to find what is working. When all their brain wants to focus on is what's not working. So many times students won't record their rides and learn how to effectively evaluate because they don't like the feeling of being disappointed in watching their own video and because they don't like feeling disappointed in what they see. They literally can't watch the video because they don't make it. They can't watch it to see what is working. So the fear of seeing what's not working and feeling disappointed is actually stopping them from seeing the parts that are working. It is so common when students come into my program and begin regularly recording, they begin reporting that after they start consistently going through my evaluation process, they get past their habit of being critical and suddenly they see so much more of what is working. And that tipping point is like magic because what it does is it changes it from overwhelming amounts of all I see is negative to oh, I see things that could be improved, but I also see things that are working. And that is a huge shift and that is a lot to give up if you are hiding from incomplete moments, if you're hiding from failure.

Stacy Westfall:
Now that I've got that out of the way, what I really want to focus on is the process of doing something like a–a review of 2022, like a long term review, and noticing that you didn't hit your goals. I want to look at the possibility of staying in a high-value cycle while you do that versus spiraling into a low-value cycle. So let's say that you decided that you wanted to ride with a certain frequency during 2022. So when you look back, maybe you decided that you were going to ride consistently during the summer from a certain point, let's say in May, through a certain point, let's say September. And as you look back at your calendar or however it is that you recorded the number of rides that you were doing. As you look back, you realize that you didn't hit your goal. You begin to see that there's a mix of days where maybe you missed it because of weather, or maybe you missed because you were sick, or maybe you missed because your horse got hurt. And what I want to suggest is that notice whether or not you actually had a really clear goal set. Because so many times what I hear riders report is I want to ride consistently from May to September. And ride consistently is actually kind of objective. So somebody consistent might be once a week and somebody else is consistent, might be seven days a week. So I really encourage you to notice whether or not you really set a clear goal of, let's say, 20 times each month. Because declaring 20 times each month might sound riskier because there's an actual number that you can say, Yes, I did or no, I didn't. But I would actually propose that you can get more creative when you have that. Ride 20 times a month can actually allow you more creativity than, ride consistently. Ride consistently is going to make it harder to review. And it sounds less risky, but that harder to review thing kind of points towards, I kind of sort of didn't want to know that I was going to fail. Because 20 seems a lot more of a pass/fail number than ride consistently. But the problem is ride consistently is also really hard to check off as a win. So do you see how even in the setting of the goal, sometimes it sounds like vague is a better idea, but vague actually blocks you from declaring it a success. In addition, if you say that you want to ride 20 times each month and you notice that you missed seven days in a row because of, let's say, illness and then you decide that you still want to hit the goal of riding 20 times there is a different answer available to you when you have the ride 20 times as the goal. That actually gives you more flexibility than the more vague, ride consistently. So the 20 can still be hit in those other three weeks even if you missed the full week of riding. So do you see how tricky it is when your brain wants to offer you that vague is going to make it easier to hit and less risky when really there's a lot that makes it harder because it's more difficult to declare it a success?

Stacy Westfall:
Let's say you take my advice and you actually turn it into numbers and you really wanted to ride 20 times during a particular month. But you look back at the calendar and you realize you rode 17 times. A very common phrase that I hear riders in this situation say is I rode 17 times, but I could have done better. And it sounds like a really innocent phrase to say when you're looking back at the year and you're thinking, I set the goal of 20, I rode 17, but I could have done better. But what I'm suggesting you do is dig a little deeper into that phrase, because a lot of times that phrase, I could have done better. Is actually indicating I should have tried harder. On any given week, I wish I had chosen to ride that day instead of doing X, Y, Z. And what it really is doing is it's beginning a little tiny spiral of self-doubt. And this is very common if you are using fewer facts and you're doing much more vague. So if you go back to the example of I want to ride consistently, that really sets people up to have I could have done better. If you turned it into numbers, you can start to feel where there's a little bit of an option of I wanted to ride 20, I rode 17. In that example, you can start to see that there's, Oh, I really did ride 17 out of the 20. You start to have more facts versus the even bigger self-doubt spiral that can begin when you just wanted to ride consistently. But here's what I'm suggesting you look closely at with the thought, I could have done better. When you're looking at a time period, say you're reviewing your goal for that 30 days, that one-month time period, and you wanted to ride 20 times when you're reviewing that month or even bigger when you're reviewing an entire year. If you put the phrase, I could have done better. What it does is it glosses over the entire year. It lumps together the days. When you looking back, if you really specifically looked at June 15th, you really would choose again not to ride that day because of other things that were going on. It lumps that day where you absolutely wouldn't change your mind into another day, where maybe you could have chosen something different. And because it lumps all of them together, it starts to actually break down some of your own trust that you have in your decision-making, because it's partially true and it's partially false. Maybe you could have done better because you could have chosen some other things, or maybe you wouldn't have. Maybe you would have chose them exactly the same. The idea, I could have done better, is actually just resisting the reality of what you actually did. And when you chose what you actually did, let's just pretend that you were doing the best on any given day. And what I mean by doing the best is that you're going to begin having your own back on any choice you make. So on June 15th, when you made that choice to not ride you're not going to allow future self-doubt. You can allow a different choice in the future. But if you have your own back, what you begin to do is you begin to make the decision on June 15th that I am not riding today. For whatever reason you decide and you will not pick on yourself in the future for that decision. Let me phrase it another way. You can decide on any given day for what we could call a good or a bad reason not to ride. But whatever reason you choose on that day, let's just call it a bad one for fun. You choose five bad reasons in a row and you miss five rides in a row because of a reason that you would deem not worthy. What I'm asking you to do is to change your perspective and begin to have your own back on any given day. This might seem like you're letting yourself off the hook, but there is power in accepting what you chose in the past, as done and complete. And what many people do instead is they choose on June 15th, yes or no ride or don't ride. And then on December 20th, when they're reviewing, they beat themselves up for having made that choice. This is a perfect example of not having your own back. And what this does is it starts to increase your self-doubt because you start to need to be able to predict how to get it right in the moment so that you won't beat yourself up on December 20th.

Stacy Westfall:
I found this quote while I was preparing for this podcast, and it makes better sense of what I'm trying to say here. It says, "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward." Soren Kierkegaard. And so I love it. Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward. When you look back at the reason you chose to not do something. It may be tempting to say that you could have done better. But if you begin giving yourself grace, it will actually change the process of not only how you look back, but it will change the process of how you move forward. Because looking back and gaining understanding, oh, I can see that I chose to skip riding and sit and watch Netflix and I kind of wish I hadn't done that. But I fully own that. I did that that day. But going forward, I'm going to know I have that temptation and I really want to hit this goal. So maybe I won't choose that next time. Looking back and gaining understanding of what you did is different than beating yourself up for what you did. How you treat yourself when you look back will have a lot to determine how much power you have over changing what you do as you move forward. So let's say that you had a full two weeks where you just flat didn't ride. And you had a goal to be riding five days a week. If you look back and you shame yourself now because you didn't make different choices then that is a perfect way to start going into a low-value cycle. Whenever that review hits you, maybe it is a week into missing riding that you begin that cycle of disappointment and loss of time and it spirals into regret. That low-value cycle is likely coming from judging what you did in the past. And that judging is different than learning from the past. So one thing you can do in that moment is practice making the past choices neutral. Just make them factual. Goal, ride five times a week. Last week, rode zero times. And in making the facts on paper just factual and neutral, that doesn't necessarily mean that you won't have an emotion that goes with it. If I were in that situation, it would feel really natural to be disappointed. So I would look at the paper and say, I wanted to ride five times and I rode zero. It's factual, and I would most likely feel disappointment. But I can make that disappointment spiral into a low-value cycle that includes beating myself up, feeling the loss of time. Making it predict my results in the future. Regretting the past choices that I've made. And that's going to spin me into a low-value cycle that's much more likely to have me not beginning to ride again. As opposed to looking at it like facts. Seeing that I wanted to ride five times I rode zero. Feeling disappointment and then thinking. That makes sense. I'm disappointed because I wanted to do this, but I didn't. And what's very interesting is then I feel much more open to believing, Oh, why did I choose zero times? And looking back for the actual reasons why I chose not to ride those days and then realizing that. I actually was doing the best that I could on any of those given days. It's not that I will never make mistakes that I can learn from. It's believing that on Tuesday, when my stomach was upset and I didn't ride. It's having my own back on that decision in the future. And maybe I look back and realize I could have ridden even though I had a stomach ache. But it's not letting myself beat myself up, because then later on, maybe I will have another stomachache again. And maybe I will choose to ride that next time. Or maybe I won't. It is practicing, allowing yourself to make a choice now and not beating yourself up for it, knowing that you can still make different choices in the future without the beating yourself up. I hope you can hear how this idea of having your own back on the decisions that you make can really be practiced on a big scale, like during a review of an entire year.

Stacy Westfall:
On a slightly smaller scale, like if you're reviewing something that was like a month long or even shorter, like a week long goal that you have. But I really, really hope you can understand that it can be practiced daily. It is the process of learning to make a decision about what you want to do in that moment and then standing by the fact that you made that decision, not defensively standing by it, but compassionately standing by, understanding why you made that decision in the moment, even if 24 hours later you have a different level of awareness and you would make a different choice in that same situation going forward. When you allow yourself to understand why you made a choice without judging that and you begin to study it, it opens up a whole different level of learning. When you begin to fully believe that you are doing your best each day, even on the days that feel really heavy for other outside reasons. So today you're doing your best. While it feels like you're carrying a 50 pound weight because of other life circumstances that are happening, have the grace to remember that was your best on that day, because you'll be way more likely to sign up to continue on your chosen journey towards your chosen goal. You'll be more likely to stay in a high value cycle where you are forgiving of yourself, where you're willing to pick yourself up again, where you're willing to ride those waves of emotion that you're experiencing on this journey of improving your horsemanship. You'll realize that by having your own back, you will stay out of these shame spirals, of these low value cycles where your self doubt begins to build and build and build and you doubt your choices. And instead you'll be practicing making a decision, having your own back, and realizing that you can learn from it, even if what you choose is to not make that same decision again. I still think the song says it beautifully. If you lose yourself, your courage soon will follow. So be strong tonight and remember who you are. If you're anything like me, you are a human having a human experience in the world. And if you're like me, you've chosen to do lots of your learning life lessons through horses. So remember to have your own back. Set some big goals. Embrace all the emotions and learn from them. You can feel disappointment without spiraling it into a low value cycle. You can feel disappointment and remember that you have the ability to make a different choice in the future. Pay attention to yourself over the next week and notice how often do you have your own back on decisions that you made? One of my goals in life is to constantly be learning and improving.

Stacy Westfall:
So one person I am allowed to compare myself to is myself. A year ago, five years ago, ten years ago, am I growing? Am I seeing myself improving in different ways? One of my students, Andrea, wrote this as part of a longer success story comparing the rider I am now to the rider I was last January is breathtaking. My elbows are under control and I don't do weird things. My hips and back are way softer and more flexible, and best of all, my horses look more willing and focused, calm and forward. Hallelujah. What I want you to hear in that success story is that she's not beating herself up for where she was. She was willing to video herself. At the point in January, when she wasn't riding the way she was hoping to. And now she has something that she can refer to. And now she's looking back at where she was and observing the changes and celebrating. That is a skill set that you can learn. And it is so amazing because in learning it, you will be practicing how to get out of low value cycles and how to get into high value cycles. If you'd like help learning what to record and how to evaluate regularly to get results like Andrea's, come join me in the Resourceful Rider program. Thanks for listening and I'll talk to you again in the next episode.

Announcer:
If you enjoy listening to Stacy's podcast, please visit stacywestfall.com for articles, videos, and tips to help you and your horse succeed.

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