Episode 264: The hidden cost of how you treat you.

Episode 264-The hidden cost of how you treat yourself..mp3: Audio automatically transcribed by Sonix

Episode 264-The hidden cost of how you treat yourself..mp3: this mp3 audio file was automatically transcribed by Sonix with the best speech-to-text algorithms. This transcript may contain errors.

Stacy Westfall:
So I still wish it wouldn't have happened. But it did happen and I'm not fighting with that reality. Both are true. I wish it hadn't happened. It did. And this is how I handled it.

Announcer:
Podcasting from a little cabin on a hill. This is the Stacy Westfall podcast. Stacy's goal is simple to teach you to understand why horses do what they do, as well as the action steps for creating clear, confident communication with your horses.

Stacy Westfall:
Hi, I'm Stacy Westfall and I'm here to help you understand, enjoy, and successfully train your own horses. I actually can't believe it's December, probably because I haven't done any Christmas shopping yet. And there's been years when I've been completely done by now, and also because there is so much mud around my property. Although it's snowing today, so maybe that'll change. Okay, so I just installed automatic waterers in my outside paddocks for my horses and where I live it freezes, so the type that I installed drain pretty quickly. Did you know you have to teach horses to drink out of automatic waters? Especially if there's an empty bowl, and they have to understand that it's a magical bowl and that if they put their nose in it, it will become full. So that is probably a story for another day, because yes, I have one that was a slow learner. But today, today on today's podcast, I want to talk about the hidden cost of how you treat yourself. And my first version of this was the hidden cost of beating yourself up. But there's an equally damaging, pretty version of this that I want to discuss. And all of this matters because it impacts your ability to communicate clearly with your horse. And that's where my automatic waterer story comes in, because there is one part of the story that pertains to today's topic. So are you ready? It's story time.

Stacy Westfall:
I bought these automatic waterers and before the contractor came to install them, I drove into town and tried buying all of the parts that were needed before the project even began. The contractor then said that he could come and work on them the day before Thanksgiving. So while many of you were prepping the turkey, we were trenching. P.S. I found a really good crock pot ham recipe that makes your ham taste like honey baked ham. That is a really good breakthrough. But anyway, back to the story. Day before Thanksgiving, we are trenching up that entire end of our property to get from the water hydrant out to where the automatic waters would go. I then ended up driving back into town during the project, because the size of the pipe that it said was installed on the automatic waterers in the instructions was a fraction different than an actual half an inch. So the instructions said this pipe is a half an inch, so you need to be able to marry that up to whatever pipe you have. We have one inch needed to go to half inch. That's everything I bought was for one inch to one half inch. But it turns out that in the trench when Jesse and the contractor were down figuring this out, it's not an actual half an inch. It's slightly smaller. So you couldn't force the half an inch in. I promise this is going somewhere.

Stacy Westfall:
So I got the job of running into town to get the different part. I go into town, I find this mysterious part. I get it, I bring it back. The first automatic water is installed. Feels like a major success. And then we have to shut things down for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving day comes with all of it's Thanksgiving Day things. Families coming over, cooking, mud. Mud everywhere. Half the paddocks aren't usable. Horses are scattered in unusual places. Did I mention the mud? Okay, we get through Thanksgiving. Amazing. Ham. The cleanup is done. The day after Thanksgiving. This is it. It's Friday. Going into the weekend, contractors not working on the weekend. And rain is coming. And trenches and rain don't go well together. So this day, everything needs to happen. We begin and hit a spot where there's one different fitting going to this very last water. And again, we have this true half inch, not this slightly smaller. So I need to go to the store again. So I go to the hardware store and I do find the fitting with help from the employee who's now very familiar with me. I check out. I drive home. The contractor is scheduled to leave early. Jesse is scheduled to leave. I am the runner. I'm running. I pull in just in the nick of time. I go to hand the part over and one is missing. How is this possible? I literally just stood in the store and took a picture of the parts.

Stacy Westfall:
I just had it in my hand. I sent the photo to Jesse before I left the store, and then I realized that I, when I was checking out, reached into my pocket to return those wrong sized parts while I was checking out, and I accidentally returned one of the three pieces that were needed to finish the project. In that moment. It was a sinking bottom dropping out. Kind of a feeling. It's Friday. The ditches are open. The rain is coming. The contractors leaving. Jesse is now going to be late because I have 30 more minutes of driving to correct this mistake. And this is the moment of truth. How do you treat you? What words do you say? And where are they directed? Do you call yourself names? Do words like idiot and stupid come crashing in, or do they go floating through? What happens in that moment and in the following minutes or hours or days? Is your response what you wish it was? Do you recognize that you have a choice in that moment? That you have the power to choose your response? Here are two common responses that I've experienced and that I see others experiencing in that moment. Harsh words with yourself and about yourself. And quickly glossing things over. Grabbing a friendly phrase or a better feeling. And I've done both.

Stacy Westfall:
And here's what I've noticed. Harsh words. Name calling. Talking bad about yourself feels terrible and erodes your trust in yourself. If you call yourself an idiot or stupid, or treat this like proof that you will never get things right, or whatever other version your brain offers you, this is a very hard path to move forward with. And you'll know if you're doing this because you're going to hear it either out loud or in your head. Now glossing it over might seem like a better way, but here's a word of warning. If you don't believe yourself, then you're still eroding trust in yourself. If you find yourself saying it's fine, it's okay. I know I could have said those in the moment, but I didn't feel okay and it didn't feel fine. So if I started glossing it over there, that would be how I would know that I was actually doing it to deny something it wouldn't have fit. Symptoms of glossing things over include. It feels tender, or you want to avoid talking about it, or it feels like a subject that you need to just completely avoid. Sometimes people will also make jokes about these things at their own expense, which actually points back to a passive aggressive, harsh response that's underground in hiding. And this matters because even though this doesn't sound like it's related to riding and training your horse, the responses that you practice in life will become your habits, and this means that you will use them when you are with your horse.

Stacy Westfall:
And most of you don't want to be harsh with your horse. But the other problem is horses don't trust incongruent people and they will read you as incongruent. If you say it's fine, but you actually don't feel like it's fine. So here's another option. Let's go back into the story. In that moment in the driveway. Three days into the project, cold, muddy time deadlines, half of the objects in my hand and realizing that the other part is back at the hardware store, the first thing I felt was a sinking feeling. My body has a physical sinking feeling. My stomach feels heavy, my shoulders sink down. My breathing is so shallow I'm pretty much holding it. And yet my mind is racing. I'm trying to backtrack and figure it out. What happened? And part of me realizes what happened. And I also have another part of me that wants to deny it. I'm searching the truck and my pockets, because that's the part of me that's wanting to deny that it happened. I know what happened, but I don't want to know what's happening. That's denial. But I also know myself because I've been studying my reactions for many years. I tell Jesse, I've got to go back to the store. I roll up the window. I leave no long explanation.

Stacy Westfall:
I know I need to deal with me before I involve others. I start driving. This 30 minutes will be telling, I have good news already recognize the feeling in my body, my stomach, my shoulders, my breathing. Now that I'm driving, I start to name them. Dread. Disbelief. Disappointment. Three D's. They are not fun. The good news is I already recognize that I have a win. I chose not to lash out. I removed myself from the situation, and I've already noticed that this is a red carpet invitation to some of my old thinking habits. I realize in that moment also that anger feels more powerful than dread, disbelief, and disappointment. I take a deep breath. I do not have the radio on. I do not have a podcast on. It is just me driving, breathing, watching myself react. Now realize it's about a 15 minute drive back to the hardware store one way. And so I realized halfway there that I'm about to walk into the hardware store. Now I'm going to have to explain myself. I see the opportunity to make a joke about it. I realize I am not in a joking kind of a mood. That's not what I'm feeling, and I actually feel grounded. By realizing this, I realize I have the opportunity to make a joke about it. It's not what I'm truly feeling. I'm not going to make that choice, and this grounds me. How will I talk about myself? I get to choose this.

Stacy Westfall:
What emotions will I experience? Actually, I'm not sure. I see the invitations. I see the possibilities, but I don't know what I'm going to experience. So I walk in and I state the facts. I return the wrong part. I need one of those back. Conveniently, it's sitting on the side of the register and I'm pleasantly surprised by how calm I am. It's real. I'm not putting this on as a show. I actually feel grounded and calm, and I'm pleased to see the part that I need sitting at the side of the register. I physically feel my body lighten as I'm checking out. I do allow myself one joke. As I say, I hope I don't see you again during this project and it feels real and it feels funny. It's not at my expense and I feel better after that joke, not worse because of it. Even in the hardware store, I began to see the signs that I was handling this in a way that I want to, in a way I would choose to. I don't feel guilt or shame as I'm doing the transaction. I didn't have a physical reaction thinking about or retelling this story to you. Now listen carefully. I still wish it would not have happened. If I could rewind time. I would get the right part the first time. So I still wish it wouldn't have happened.

Stacy Westfall:
But it did happen and I'm not fighting with that reality. Both are true. I wish it hadn't happened. It did, and this is how I handled it. And the reason that I tell you this story in detail is because when you can recognize these things and be in the moment when you can recognize what's happening and allow the feelings and even the thoughts without reacting to them, then you don't get stuck in it and make it even worse. And these matter because these habits you practice in life are going to be the way that you show up with your horse, and your horse doesn't need you to show up perfectly, but they do need you to show up congruently because your horse reads your body. And when we start working with our horses, there's more than just us and our emotional reaction and our thoughts about a situation. Our horse will also have thoughts and emotions going on. So I just got a new horse and her name is Ember and she is a yearling, so that means I'm doing groundwork with her. When I'm working with a horse, I allow them to have their emotions. I love guiding her and not buying into her story because she's going to have thoughts and reactions. Emotions about things that I don't have to believe are true. But at the same time, I'm also not cramming my ideas of how it should be on her.

Stacy Westfall:
The reality is, she's going to have reactions to things that I don't want to be there long term, but I'm not going to make it mean a life sentence if it's happening right now. Can you hear how I'm holding this dual, the way it is and the way that I want it to be later, and I can actually let those play out. I can set up situations for her and I can guide her. I can have boundaries around her reactions. But I don't have to have harsh rules and ways to treat her. So let's put it into an example. With Ember. I began by teaching her to lunge. I can send her to the left on the lunge line. I can send her to the right on the lunge line. I can do inside turns. I can ask her to stop and turn and face me. Once that was at a B minus level of work, I started introducing new ideas, and the one new idea that I introduced was sending her past objects. So I want you to picture that I put a tarp on the ground, a little strip of tarp. It's not huge, and I put that on the ground, and I wanted to lunge her, and I wanted her to go out around the tarp, not between me and the tarp, but out around the tarp. And this alone is a really interesting exercise, because for a lot of humans, they can't stand not letting the horse stop and look.

Stacy Westfall:
But I'm looking at a long term way of thinking and long term, I want a horse that doesn't have to stop and look at everything. So I want to teach this horse that this is just about me and me asking her to have a specific response. I want you to go counterclockwise right now in a circle, and when you see other things, you don't have to react to them. I just want you to go around well for her not to react to them, I'm going to have to not react to them. So I'm simply sending her around with no intention of having her go over the tarp. This means there's a gap. She's allowed to go out around it. Inside of this, I have set up rules or boundaries. Undesirable responses she could have include she might jump on top of me or run me over. When she sees this object, she might see it and then roll back and head the other way. She might just go up and go straight across to it. Who knows. There are lots of different options, and there's not just the one I want her to have. I actually allow her to have a lot of these different options, but I don't let her cut in near me and I don't allow her to roll back.

Stacy Westfall:
I do have rules, and I don't feel guilty when I hold my boundary or protect my space, but I also don't force her to engage with the tarp. I set up an opportunity. I just want her to go around and past it. In my example personally, in these first few sessions, I don't even let her stop and look at the tarp because she's much more likely to roll back. And I don't want that as a long term habit. So I set up the opportunity for her to go out around it, and I don't want her to stop and engage with it, because I think that's probably going to set her up into the other response I don't want her to have, which is rolling back. Rollbacks are hard to ride, and I don't want to ride a lot of rollbacks when she sees new things. So in my mind, I have a couple of rules. Don't run me over. Don't roll back. She has a lot of open choices. She can choose the speed walk, trot, canter. She can choose how far she goes away from it. Within some limits. She could go over it. She could go a foot away from it. She could go five feet away from it. She could go ten feet away from it. So I've set up this situation where I have a couple of rules that are here to keep both of us safe long term.

Stacy Westfall:
One rule don't run me over. Keeps me safe because being run over is bad. It also keeps her safe because horses that learn to run people over don't have great lives. Another rule I have set up don't roll back. This doesn't appear to be a safety rule right now, but as soon as I'm mounted on her and riding her, it will very quickly be a safety rule because a horse that rolls back is harder to ride than a horse that slows down, or even just speeds up and goes straight forward. Roll backs I find harder to ride, so this is long term. Another piece of a safety rule. Seeing these as the minimum rules allows me to leave her a lot of other room for the way that she goes by these. She can go by at a walk. She can go by at a trot, she can jump over it. She can go out around it. She has other options that don't include me saying, you have to do it this one specific way. Now this is where it gets even more interesting. Inside of sending her past this tarp. I also do see the long term benefit of her making certain decisions. It's closer to a rideable response. If she goes by it and doesn't have a big emotional response, it's closer. If she goes by it, glances at it, but doesn't overreact.

Stacy Westfall:
So I know those things to also be true. So this is where it gets really interesting, is to watch her go by it. And for a little bit of sand to be knocked onto it, and to watch her levitate and kick out at the noise and then recognize in my own body whether or not I have a reaction. I've done this enough that I don't have a reaction, but I watch a lot of riders who are doing ground work with their horses, who get very uncomfortable when the horse appears to make other choices or choices. They will even label wrong. So in my example, there isn't one right one and a bunch of wrong choices. There are a couple of boundaries to keep me safe and her safe. And then there are actually a lot of choices. But inside all of this is the opportunity for me to watch her go through her process. To watch her emotional. I'm even going to label it overreaction to the tarp, her choices about rolling back or jumping or cutting in on me on the on side, but not cutting in on me on the off side. Interesting things you can observe. I learn more about her as I watch her process this. I learn more about me as I allow her to make those choices. I can see how all these steps are tied together with her future training, and I can see her brain being challenged.

Stacy Westfall:
It is such an opportunity that you have to practice living and recognizing your own responses in every day life. In this holiday season, at family get togethers, when you're out shopping or whatever time of year you're listening to this podcast, whatever is happening in your other life, your non-horse life, practicing this level of awareness in these quote unquote small moments is what will build your internal resilience. It will help you unlock compassion for others when you're able to have compassion for yourself. And the most beautiful gift it will give you is that it will allow you to see your horse more clearly when you're not all wrapped up in what this moment might mean if you don't get it right immediately right now. It allows you to see your horse more clearly. Do you trust you? To treat you fairly when you make a mistake. Do you trust you to help yourself find a way forward? When you can answer yes to both of those that you trust yourself to treat yourself fairly, and that you trust yourself to help yourself find a way forward, you will unlock the ability to do the same thing with your horse. And it's really important that you practice these with yourself first, because your horse reads your body and you are harder to read when your old habits are running the show. Thanks for listening and I'll talk to you again in the next episode.

Announcer:
If you enjoy listening to Stacy's podcast, please visit StacyWestfall.com for articles, videos and tips to help you and your horse succeed.

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