Episode 217_ What if the goal IS what helps you develop the relationship_.mp3: this mp3 audio file was automatically transcribed by Sonix with the best speech-to-text algorithms. This transcript may contain errors.
Stacy Westfall:
Just remember, this relationship isn't what you do. It's how you handle the questions or challenges that come up while you're doing life together.
Announcer:
Podcasting from a little cabin on a hill. This is the Stacy Westfall podcast. Stacy's goal is simple: to teach you to understand why horses do what they do, as well as the action steps for creating clear, confident communication with your horses.
Stacy Westfall:
Hi, I'm Stacy Westfall and I help riders turn their dreams into goals. Let's start this podcast with a question. Are you confused about how to make your dream into a goal? If you are, you are not alone. And this is especially common for riders who have relationship-type goals. So here are some examples that I pulled from responses to a recent email that I sent out and listen to how these are relationship-based ideas: To form the bond I've always dreamed of. I dream of having a connection with him. To do anything on my horse with more confidence and just have fun. These are examples of relationship goals. So here's my next question. Can improving your relationship be a specific goal? Yes, I think it can. And I'm going to tell you how before the end of the podcast. But here is the challenge. Riders often think that setting a goal will conflict or go against building the relationship or connection. But this is not true. And here's the reality. If you try to avoid setting goals, the odds are you will be unclear and inconsistent. The other thing that will happen is you'll watch every move your horse makes, trying to decide if your relationship is working or not working. Just remember, this relationship isn't what you do, it's how you handle the questions or challenges that come up while you're doing life together. And when you don't have a goal, it's really hard to decide what's working or not working.
Stacy Westfall:
Horses love consistency. I think that's why they check the herd dynamics kind of frequently. You'll see them walking around and kind of doing little bitty things. And basically what they're doing is they're walking around going. Are the rules still the same today? Okay, great. How about over here? Are your rules still the same today? Okay, good, good. Just checking. And if you're constantly changing what you're doing from an underlying feeling of doubt about your relationship, then there's a really good chance that you're going to be viewed as unclear and unpredictable and inconsistent. Which is interesting because the more the horses view you like that, they will question you even more. So some horses, according to their temperament, will begin to become almost more strong-willed and others will become more on the anxious side because of that inconsistency. So let's hit pause for just a moment and think about relationships for just a minute, because a lot of people want a better connection with their horse. But what does that mean? And the first thing I want you to recognize is that you can be connected to a horse without having a connection with a horse. So let's say that you're shopping online and you see a horse and you just know this is the one. That's how it was when I was buying Presto. I saw his picture and I thought, That's the one. Or maybe you're in a situation where you're watching a foal be born and you see the full born, and you immediately feel a connection to that particular horse. What's happening when you say that you're connected to a horse is you're expressing your side of the relationship. You're saying that you are connected to that special horse, but it doesn't reflect the horse's opinion when you change it to being connected with a horse. Now you're including the horse's point of view. Connection with the horse is more typically represented with the word relationship. It indicates that back and forth. And when I think about all the horses I've trained in the past, whether they're the ones that were really famous or whether they were the ones that only came in for 30 or 60 or 90 days of training. Back when I did that, I can see how the early interactions were just connection points. The horses weren't always that interested in me, even if I was interested in them. But the more specific and the more connection points that horse and I had, the more we developed an understanding of each other. And that understanding developed the connection with each other, which can become the relationship. The connection you develop with a horse, that relationship, that conversation, that ability to go back and forth will change what you are able to do with the horse.
Stacy Westfall:
So let's think about this backwards for a moment. If you desire to form a bond that I've always dreamed of, what would you do? If you had that bond right now would you go gallop down a trail? Would you haul to the mountains and go camping? If you dream of having a connection with a horse, imagine that you have that connection. What would you go do if you had it? Would you go ride through the countryside and visit a friend? Would you go on a cattle drive? What would you go do if you had that? If you could snap your fingers and instantly know that you really could do anything on your horse with more confidence and just have fun. What would you go do? Would you enter a show? Would you maybe try reining or dressage or jumping? If you had that better connection or relationship, what would you go do? I mentioned the responses to my email and lots of people reported that their ultimate dream would be to ride bareback and bridleless. And I've always thought that the reason that the Live Like You Were Dying ride had so much impact was because it did reflect relationship and a high level of performance. And sometimes I wonder if people are remembering to look and see that behind what you're seeing for that performance you know intuitively that there were many challenges we overcame to communicate at that level. The challenges we overcame together were what developed the connection with each other. So what if you have it backwards? What if the goal of what you want to do, if you had that relationship, is actually the path that will lead you to developing that relationship? Connection with a horse is built with progress towards a goal. The goal is just simply the target you aim at. The relationship is how you navigate the questions and the challenges that come up. When you avoid setting a goal, it becomes much more challenging to identify how the relationship is doing. And it is very possible that you'll spend time feeling connected to your horse without the horse developing that connection with you.
Stacy Westfall:
So here's how you can know if you're developing a connection with your horse. First, you'll notice that you show up consistently and specifically while you're with your horse. Your consistency will make things more clear and predictable for your horse. Your horse will feel safe and curious and interested in you. Have you ever had a human relationship where all of this was true? Have you ever had a human relationship where you could finish each other's sentences? Did you know that? You can have that with a horse? It is a byproduct of having lots of very similar conversations. You know each other. That's why you can finish each other's sentences. I got thinking about recording this podcast yesterday when I was with Willow because I was reminded of how magical that connection with a horse feels. I was in the barn with Willow and my puppy Shadow, and there was a moment where I began moving my body in a particular way. And then I paused because I was distracted by the puppy. And in that moment where I paused, it was essentially like I'd begun a sentence and then appeared to lose my train of thought. And in that pause, in that moment in between, Willow offered to finish the sentence for me. And what she offered wasn't easy. And what she offered didn't point towards, Are we done yet? What she offered was physically hard and was more than what I had been getting ready to say. It would be like you telling a friend that you're moving next weekend and you're intending to ask them to help move one big couch, but you pause for a second and they offer to help you all day instead. This is a byproduct of understanding when and how to support the horse, showing up consistently, and then beginning to see that consistency reflected back. And all of this happens faster when you set goals. I said earlier in the podcast that the challenge is that riders often think that setting a goal will conflict with building the relationship or connection. And I think that this happens not so much consciously but unconsciously, because people remember from past experience that when you set a goal, even if it doesn't include a horse, you will be faced with challenges.
Stacy Westfall:
So remember, relationship isn't what you do. It's not whether you go on that cattle drive or not. Relationship is how you handle the questions or the challenges that come up. And I don't know if you've noticed. But if you avoid setting a goal because you're trying to avoid questions or challenges that might come up. Start watching your regular interactions with your horse. Because you'll begin to notice that you're still facing challenges and you're still answering questions whether or not you have the goal. Because if you don't pick the type of challenge and the direction that you're headed, your horse will still offer you challenging ideas and they will still ask you questions. You just won't be on a path toward something of your choosing. And when the horse is choosing the challenges, many, many riders are reactive in their response instead of proactively planning. If what I've been talking about sounds like a great concept, but you're still not quite sure how to set a series of goals that will support your dream. That's the work that we're doing this month. Inside my program, the Resourceful Rider I'm helping students write goals that support their dreams. And then we're breaking those goals down into hundreds of very small steps that can be taken to reach that goal, all while improving communication and connection with their horses. If it interests you, check out my website and come join us. Thanks for listening and I'll talk to you again in the next episode.
Announcer:
If you enjoy listening to Stacy's podcast, please visit stacywestfall.com for articles, videos, and tips to help you and your horse succeed.
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