For over 30 years I have owned horses. For a good part of that time I have trained them as a profession. In that time I have not experienced the death of a horse often. My first horse, pony actually, was 16 when I got her. She died at 32 and it was not unexpected at her age.
Then I got off pretty easy until the last five months. Two years ago we did have a foal die. It was hard with such a young promising life but again I realized that with the number of horses I have owned, trained and loved I should be prepared for things like this.
But the last five months have been crushing. In December my first 
horse, Bay, who again was 30 years old (so it was not sudden and unexpected) had to be put down.
And then in February, Roxy. I know I didn’t own her but we did have a special relationship. It was sudden and shocking.
And now Vaquero. I walked into the vet clinic guessing I would not have a show horse anymore but also thinking he would easily be a pasture pet for the rest of his life. Now his stall is empty. Roxy wasn’t here with me when she died. She had been at Greg’s house for a couple of years so although I was shocked there was no empty stall.
There is an empty stall now.
Misty and Bay were old and it was expected and both were at my moms
house. Roxy was shocking and her stall was at Greg’s.
If I didn’t already have horses, like Popcorn, that I have a relationship with I don’t think I would even go to the barn.
I know many of you out there know what I am talking about. I know others have felt this loss and had to look at the empty stall. That also tells me that you understand how hard the last 5 months have been. Thank you for supporting me and putting up with my sad blog posts:(
Thank you Maria for sharing this:
I’ll lend you for a little while my grandest foal, He said.
for you to love while he’s alive and mourn when he is dead.
It may be one or twenty years, or days or months, you see,
but will you, till I take him back, take care of him for me?
He’ll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,
you’ll have treasured memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return,
but there are lessons taught on earth I want this foal to learn.
I’ve looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes, with trust, I’ve chosen you.
Now will you give him total love, not think the labor vain,
nor hate me when I come here to take him back again?
I know you’ll give him tenderness and love will bloom each day,
and for the happiness you’ve known, forever grateful stay
But should I come and call for him much sooner than you’d planned,
you’ll brave the bitter grief that comes, and someday, understand.
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Stacy I am so sorry for the losses you have had lately. Just remember that you will see them again one day. Your Dad and all the horses that been a part of your life will be at Heavens Gate when you get there. What a Great time that will be.I maynot be able to ride here but when I get to Heaven I will be with the horses just where I want to be. I know I will see you there too.I smile and cry every time I watch you ride cause thats how I want to ride some day. You and your horses touch so many lives even if we think Its to sudden for them to go. Our horses are like our children we only get to borrow them for awhile and we need to love every minute of it no matter how long it is. God knows how much you love them and will be there to confort you all.You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Stacy, my heart aches for you. Reading of your loss brings tears as I too, have an empty stall that was not anticipated. I know your faith is strong. God has used you to bring about changes in some people’s methods with animals but most importantly to bring others to know Him. God is Love! I pray that His love and comfort surround you and your family and bring many others to fill the empty stalls. After losing my dear Sunday on Feb. 7, I choose to move his brother into the empty stall. I think we are both comforted by the move and I pray that God allows us both some time before we are confronted with another loss. Thank you for sharing your heart and the poem with us all. God bless you!
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve lost your beloved Vaquero. I’ve also dealt with this very same thing. Two years ago, we lost a beautiful red roan yearling filly (registered QH) who had all the same symptoms. She was diagnosed with the same condition, a bony growth that went into her spine. We immediately had her euthanized for her sake, it wouldn’t have been fair to even think of keeping her alive. Hard as it is, you did the right thing for your horse. May God fill your heart with his everlasting love and comfort.
Oh no! I had hoped whatever it was he would recover and although I don’t know you or Vaquero I am so sad for you! I can only imagine the grief. I’ve only had my own horses for five years so it is a grief I know I will have to experience and I doubt I am in any way (or ever will be) prepared for. My prayers for you!
My heart aches for you. The video of him at his stall and brought me to tears. I can’t imagine the whole in your heart right now but in time God will bless you with another that will need you as much as you will need him.
Love to you, Stacy. We know too well “the empty stall.”
Gary and Sandy Vickrey
Cedaredge, CO
That poem was perfect and beautiful.. Made me cry.. I’m so sorry for your loss
You truly have care, compassion, love…. Horses are a huge part of my life and having one pass on leaves a huge void in life! I am sorry for your hard bumpy few months!
For Stacy – I have watched you ride and train via youtube, etc. I am an older woman who will never have the talent and chances you have had, but feel like I have shared a little (and learned a lot!) watching your performances. I purchased one of your horse balls for my horse – we had so much fun with it. Lost it in a fire last year (thankfully no horses or hay lost!) but I do plan to replace it. I have reposted the poem from above on fb, as I felt it needed to be shared to my friends who have lost horses they loved, I hope that’s okay. I know how hard it is to lose one that you have worked with and loved. God Bless.
Stacy, I hear your sadness and felt it myself as well. Having a faithful companion leave the Earth before us can “drop us to our knees”….I know I did. I keep her halter, bridle and saddle with all the great memories to behold…let those who’ve past live forever in our hearts…
:::sigh:::
Words cannot express the feeling a horse-mom endures, when they lose a beloved partner. I’ve been around that bend many times before… and each time I hear of the passing, of a fellow equine; I cry. God works in mysterious ways. He brings before us, the beauty and grace of beloved friends; our horses… then when we strive for excellence; he grants us with the ability to soar beyond our means together! But when he feels as though, our friends have served our lives, with enough purpose… enough laughter… enough love… they are whisked away from here, and given a chance at another wonderful life in Heaven.
My heart cries for you, Stacy… for all of the beloved friends you’ve loved, and lost. For all of the spectacular rides, both Vaquero and Roxy gave you — allowing the rest of us to dream alongside you… No greater gift in the world could have been bestowed upon you; than the chance to share such a small part of your life, with those two incredible equines.
To quote the brilliant Enrique Iglesias, in his song “Hero”….
“Would you dance… if I asked you to dance…
Would you run, and never look back…
Would you cry, if you saw me crying…
Would you save my soul tonight.
I can be your hero baby….
I will kiss away your pain…
I will stand by you forever…
You, can take my breath away.”
Horses are magical… and they will “always” be there, watching over us; long after they’ve gone home to god. I believe in that, and I hope you can someday feel the same. Vaquero and Roxy will always be with you; watching you with the youngsters; and in the ring with you on your many incredible rides to come.
God bless,
– Barrie Getz
I wish my/our words could ease that deep, horrible heartache – Just know how I feel for you – It’s undescribable – I’m so very glad you are focusing on the blessings, the gifts, the lingering touches in you, of all these blessings – which, at least sometimes, will bring back your own heartaches … God be with you, all, and my support, here, as little as it may be
Stacy I’m so sorry for your loss I too know what your heart is feeling….I lost one to a storm he was 24months old . Finding him laying there I lost it crying and holding him my husband had to pull me off of him! I will never for get him R.I.P Thunder .
I thought of you last night when I walked into my barn and gave notice to my empty stall. We lost Echo just a couple of months ago. Even tho he was 26 he was gone so suddenly and his empty stall was shocking to me. That 1st day I just sat in the barn and cried. I have now made it somewhat of a shrine/grooming stall where I have pictures and memorbillia of Echo and River who he is now burried beside. It makes me feel good to see the stall now and remember the good times. You sure had them with Vaquero…. may you never forget even as your sorrow eases.
I’m so sorry for your loss. The empty stall, unused water bucket, leftover halters are so painful. I’ve had to deal with horses I was close to passing on, but I’ve been fortunate because it was expected (old age) for most. After I traveled and offered over 100 hours of care for a sick mare at a rescue, she simply could not recover, and we lost her.The day before she died, she came over to my lunch table and had lunch with me. Your horses were lucky to have you in their life, and I look forward to brighter days for you ahead. Thank you for sharing.
That poem is actually a poem in your post is called “For All Parents”. It was sent to my parents, from a friend, after my younger brother was killed and by strange coincidence, May 7 it was 29 years ago. It helped them a great deal with the loss! I hope it helps you with yours as well!!
I believe everything happens for a reason, it may not always be apparent to us. I hope as time goes by and the hurt is less, that you kind find the good in the past few months. Remember all those times and get past the pain, try to forget the painful images left and replace them with beautiful ones of your rides and shows. Let that be how you remember!! Peace and prayers go out to all they have touched.
Stacy,nothing can be said to ease the grief and heat break you are feeling…..I know the feeling all too well. Time will help,but the empty stall will always remain,no matter who resides in it.
I GOT TO THE POINT WHERE ” NO MORE ANIMALS” , but you know that will not happen: Here is something somebody sent me once upon a time and you may have read it, but it bears repeating:
IN THE HEAR OF A HORSE
When your day seems out of balance
and so many things go wrong….
When people fight around you
and the day drags on so long…
When parents act like children,
in-laws make you think ” Divorce”…
Go out into your pasture…
and wrap your arms around your horse.
His gentle breath enfolds you,
and he watches with those eyes.
He might not have a PhD,
but he is, oh so wise !
His head rests on your shoulder.
You embrace him oh so tight.
He puts your world in balance,
and makes it seen all right.
Your tears they soon stop flowing.
The tension is now eased.
The garbage has been lifted,
and you’re quiet and at peace.
So when you need the balance
from circumstances in your day…
The best therapy that you can seek…
is out there eating hay !!
Author Unknown
You will remember the good times.
They can never be replaced.
They were one of your children.
jb
I, too, have experienced this devastating and unexpected loss. I have started a blog called the Equine Grief Relief Forum to help all of us through these terrible times. http://www.naturalhorsemanshipinfo.com/2012/03/equine-grief-relief-forum/
With love and support,
Susan
Stacy, all who know you and knew yourr horses Roxy and Vaquero for me feel your broken heart as our hearts feel broken too…..you are a very special human being with the most incredible horse sense and the way you touched your horses and allowed us to witness is a memory I hold close on my heart and I work hard at giving that touch to my horse….with all your love you will fill that empty stall
I lost my horse in January so I know exactly how you feel. It seemed so unfair at the time that everyone else at our barn still had their horse. Vacquero and Roxy are in heaven with my Grady, eating alfalfa:)
Such a beautiful poem. My Zoe’s stall remains empty. I still cry when I think about her. My husband built by hand, a memorial for her; Zoe’s pond. A place I can go to reflect on the memories. This past year, I felt a twinge and I felt she was telling me it was “Ok”. You see, I haven’t ridden since I lost her in 2007. We are expecting our first foal on the farm in 2013. I feel the rebirth of hope and am looking forward to loving again – that special love and bond. Most of all…. I look forward to riding again. I’ve learned that we are allowed to be stewards of God’s precious creatures. It is an honor. If we do our job well, it is supposed to hurt when they leave. But, in time we learn to understand. It is a lesson our Heavenly Father wishes us to learn to. I pray that in time, peace will fill your heart instead of the hurt.
The loss of a close friend or pet is always very difficult, You have to look at the bright side and remember the great times God gave you to share together.
I am SO sorry Stacy. What a difficult five months you have had . . . know that you did everything humanly possible for Vaquero and try to find some peace in that. We are ‘loaned’ our horses for sometimes a short while, and it is our job and responsibility to do our best for them, love them, and care for them until they are no longer able to be with us. Many people are thinking of you and praying for you during this difficult time. I hope you feel our strength, love and support, because, as fellow horse lovers, we can all relate to how you are feeling and we hurt with you.
One of the greatest gifts God has given me is laughter through my tears… when I can be grateful and enjoy ‘what is’ at the same time that I grieve for ‘what was’ I receive healing. So that is what I wish for you – Laughter through your tears.
I’m so sad for you Stacy. My heart is aching. I know the strong bond we have with our beloved horses. I’ve watched you perform and was always amazed at what you do. It always brings tears to my eyes. You are truely amazing. I can’t even imagine the type of relationship you must have with your horses to do what you do. Love and prayers being sent your way.
Hugs and prayers, Stacy!
Stacy, I feel for you more than you can imagine. I also found myself at Roode and Riddle in December with a horse that was 8 who had the promise to be an unbelievable jumper but was showing string halt signs. I too went through the different tests you did only to find out he also had a genetic bone deformity and I had to put him down. Then just 2 months later my most special horse who was ready to make his debute in the international show ring suddenly had severe neurological signs (like your video of Vaquero) and I immediately brought him to RREH (I couldn’t believe I was there again!) and he had EPM. So he also was on the IV drip and what all. I am fortunate that he is still alive but will be a pasture pet from now on. It seems this is a bad year for horse loss- several people I know have also lost more than 1 horse each this year. All I can think is there must be a lot of horse lovers in heaven right now enjoying some nice horses 😉
It’s heartbreaking. I know that I have felt so alone during my own grief. I hold dear to the memories they gave me and give my love to another, because my life feels empty if I don’t share that love with another horse. God Bless you as you mourn and heal.
I can say I know how you feel, after I lost my “old man”, I called him that because he had the spirit of an old man and it seemed all he wanted to do was be with me, and I promise if this horse could come inside and sleep in my bed with me, he would do it in a heart-beat!
Like always before work i went out to his pasture to play with him and just love on him, i never rode this horse with a saddle!, i even thought about calling in “sick” to work so i could just stay out there with him, but i didnt, however i did promise him id bring him home his favorite treats as my way of saying sorry i did not stay. I was late to work that day, and all i could think about was him, then not even an hour later my dad called and said “red”, his real name, is down and we cant get him up! I left work and rushed home, calling every vet with-in west Tn on my way, I spent every second outside with him, not leaving his side for anything other than to get him a warmer blanket, when the vet arrived we learned he had a stroke and there was nothing we could do..
I still cant go out to his pasture.. and this was January 7th 2012 , im just now able to tell his story and the part that will always break my heart, ive got a 2 year old niece, and she called him “her horse” she rode him all the time with me (bare back) and now every time i see her the first thing she says is ” i want to see my horse again, where is he?”
Part of life, especially owning horses/animals in general, is saying goodbye. It is never easy and we never want to let go. He was a very special horse, and I know he knew he was loved. Praying for you in this difficult time.
Thank you for sharing Stacy. This is the most difficult time… when we have to say goodbye. It does carve a hole right thru us. Grief is a feeling like no other. But grief with loneliness may be worse, if that is possible. Your gorgeous Vaquero runs free in Light, in magnificent grace, in beauty and love. He joins all your sweethearts in the sparkling winds and fat grass of Creation’s pastures. I have to think a well loved horse looks back and thinks of ‘what a lucky guy (or gal) I was to have lived with them!’ Love knows no boundaries in space and time. It all ways lives on.
After a while… it will get easier. Hugs to you and yours.
I am sad to hear about Vaquero- You were given many gifts hold the memories tight for they can’t be taken from you. Celebrate their lives and live each like it is your last. I am sure the stall will be occupied again some day. Popcorn still needs you and others as well. Your blogs will be happy again someday. They walk with you in spirit.
I feel your pain and am so sorry for your losses – that is a beautiful poem Maria has shared with you – they have been the luckiest to have you in their lives. 🙂 Mx
I am so very sorry you have had so many losses in a row–it really does make things harder because you haven’t had the time to emotionally come to terms with the last loss when the next one hits you. The feelings are compounded and you find yourself in a deep hole. In 2008 I had so many losses: I lost my beloved Sheltie to cancer; I leased three horses to one lady and only got one back alive, badly emaciated; I had to put down a mare because her arthritis had gotten too bad; a sweet mare I had rescued and had given to a friend to try to finish rehabilitating her had to be euthanized; the very first mare I bred and raised was lost to colic while at the trainers; another colt I bred and raised ran through a fence breaking his leg; and a stallion I rescued and gave to a lady in California passed away. It was a really rough year. My point in writing all this is that although it seems like so much right now–it makes you feel like an emotional zombie–be patient with yourself and allow yourself all the time you need. Times like this make you want to make rash decisions or just quit horses altogether, but just know those feelings are natural and eventually the anger and hurt will fade. The hurt never goes away all together, but there is a point when it does become bearable, and then the love and the memories you have made emerge stronger than ever.
Stacy, I am so sorry to hear about Vaquero – I think that having your heart broken by saying goodbye shows that it does what God has intended for you…you have Loved and have been Loved by so many – four-legged and two-legged creatures. Sending you big hugs -may your heart heal as time and memories fill you up again. Xo
We are here for you,
my distant friend.
We hold your hand in the darkened forest
as you lead your companion one last time.
We tie white feathers into the mane,
to help speed the flight for this final journey.
We stand with you,
at the edge of that forest,
as your companion steps into that open meadow,
surrendering at last the limits of this place,
free now,
finally free.
We walk with you,
along the meadow,
stealing glimpses of your noble, dear one,
running along side on the edge of the horizon,
leaping hills, mountains, cloud banks, and then,
impossibly,
into the golden eye of the sun.
And we stay with you in the silence,
for you are never alone,
and with you,
we remember.
I cried when I read your post Stacy. He was a special horse and my heart breaks for you. On behalf of horsemen and women everywhere, thank you for sharing your journey even this one with a sad end. We all learned from it.
I am very sorry for your losses. Your recent blogs, while sad, have been necessary for you to deal with your grief, while at the same time educating other horse owners and potential owners of what is inevitably in store for them. My prayers are with you, your family, and Popcorn.
Like I said in my last post, I can’t even begin to imagine what you must be going through. Something that has helped me deal with the empty stall over the years when horses have past (and I lost one in January…..so I do feel your pain) I move my other horse into the empty stall. I know it sounds silly because there will still be an empty stall, just not from a horse that has passed. It doesn’t take the pain away and the loss is still there, but it does over time help your heart hurt just a little less because that empty stall isn’t staring you in the face. It has really helped me over the years get past the gut wrenching time directly after I have lost one. We all love you and are here for you!
Stacy…though we don’t know each other we share the same love and admiration for the horses in our lives. I am brought to tears with each word you write expressing your saddness over the past 5 months. An empty pasture, empty barn or empty stall can be the hardest part of losing our equine partner. I lost a Quarter Horse gelding at 8 years old in 2003 to colic named Cody. We had such a special connection and he taught me so much, and just as we were beginning to “fly” together he was gone. Everytime I would look out my front window at his shed and I didn’t see his large brown eyes peeking around the corner at me, my heart broke all over again. After a few months I bought a little palomino QH gelding and though he is a great little horse, he’s not Cody. I love him everyday for all his great qualities and his quircky personality but there is still a sad place in my heart that will always belong to Cody.
That poem was perfect for you….especially the line “I’ve looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true. And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes, with trust, I’ve chosen you” I have no doubt that God has chosen you for many great things!!! There is a song by Christian artist Ray Boltz called “Thank You” that talks about all the people who will come to you when you enter Heaven, people you’ve never known or met, and thank you for giving to the Lord, because they were a life that was changed because of you. It is a perfect description for you as I’m sure there are literally thousands of lives out there, that you’ve never even met, but that have been changed by your influence and your steadfast faith. How great your reward will be for allowing God to work through your life to touch others!!!!! I’m sorry some of it has to hurt but please, please don’t give up!! God is working through you to make life better for the horses and the humans, alike! Hugs, Prayers and…THANK YOU!!!
I know that song. I think I will go listen to it again. Thank you-
So very sorry Stacy, for all those losses. A horse is a best friend, companion, therapist and partner. Each one holds a special place in your heart. Feel the love being sent your way and when enough time passes… as the saying goes, get back on the horse. There will never be another Roxy or Vaquero. Yet you have a long career ahead of you and though it will be a different relationship with the others, you have a lot of fans out there who are looking forward to more great rides, not to mention the special horses that need your guidance, skill and talent. Till then, take your time and honor your grief. A wonderful website to honor Vaquero and Roxy is godblesstheanimals.com. Sending you love and healing prayers.
Stacy,
I know it hurts and am so sorry that you are going through this. Last month I had to make the same decision for my wonderful gelding Pete. We spent nearly 20 years together. I miss him so much. Yesterday I walked in the barn and saw his bridle hanging there and it hurt. I don’t know if I could ever put it on another horse. I have many wonderful memories and will cherish them all. Prayers for your healing. Lisa
Stacy, you and your two special horses brought tears of joy to us all every time we watched the videos of your performances. Now I am crying for you and with you for your dreadful losses. I wish I could lift you up the way that you and your horses lifted me and so many others, but all I can do is cry with you and send you hugs and thanks…..
Many years ago I lost a dog that I had loved since before husband and children. She had lived a good long life, but it was still so hard. Her last day was spent with me and my children telling ‘Jessi’ stories. I said to my son, “why do I have these animals when I love them so much and it is so hard when they go”. With the wisdom of an 8 year old, he said, “you have them for all the joy they bring you while they are alive”, and so we go on, giving to and loving these animals despite the grief we feel when they leave us too soon. Take care, the memories of these beloved creatures will be with you always, and they will know they were treasured and loved.
Hello Stacy I am so sorry that you lost such a beautiful horse. The 2 of you were like one. I love the video of you riding him and no bridle. I pray that GOD wil give you peace and comfort. I to lost a horse but not by death we had to move then from where they were being kept and 2 went fine but mine refused to leave . She was unable to be caught, But she left me with one beautiful memory . Watching her run with her tail out then she jumped a 5 foot fence like a pro. IT was beautiful. I know its not the ame but ihope this brings a smile to you. GOD will take the pain away. But always keep him aliv einyour heart with your memories.
Linda Hill
The love for a horse & the saddness that goes along with lossing one is only truly understood by fellow horse lovers. My thoughts are with you Stacy. Time does heal all wounds, but try to fill the emptyness with a new prospect. It won’t replace him, but it will help.
Stacy, thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang on to His promises and the Great Comforter….”.though I walk through the valley of shadow of death,I will fear no evil,for you are with me,your rod and staff,they comfort me” PS 23:4 Love & blessings
So sorry to hear of your loss. I certainly can empathize, I have lost many animals from my life in the last couple of years, seems like one every six months. Keep your chin up and remember the wonderful times you had. They will always be with you as long as you hold them dear in your heart.
There is a time for all things in life . . . You would not feel this sadness now, if you had not felt the joy they gave you – it’s worth it and we all know it!